| Talmudic Humour: Take 2 |
Rabbis think they’re so witty: BT Bava Batra 23bMishna: A young pigeon which is found on the ground within fifty cubits from a cote belongs to the owner of the cote; if found beyond fifty cubits from the cote, it belongs to the finder. If it is found between two cotes it belongs to the one to whose cote it is nearer. If it is exactly midway, they must share it. Gemara: . . . R. Jeremiah raised the question: If one foot is within fifty cubits and the other beyond, how do we decide? It was for this that they turned R. Jeremiah out of the Beth Hamidrash.Rabbis hate Pesach cleaning: BT Pesachim 10bRaba said: If a mouse enters [a room] with a loaf in its mouth and he [the owner] enters after him and finds crumbs, a [fresh] search is necessary, because it is not a mouse’s nature to make crumbs. Raba also said: If a child enters [a room] with a loaf in his hand, and he [the owner] enters after him and finds crumbs, a [fresh] search is not necessary, because it is a child's nature to make crumbs.Raba asked: What if a mouse enters with a loaf in its mouth, and a mouse goes out with a loaf in its mouth: do we say, the same which went in went out; or perhaps it is a different one? Should you answer, the same which went in went out, — what if a white mouse entered with a loaf in its mouth, and black mouse went out with a loaf in its mouth? Now this is certainly a different one; or perhaps it did indeed seize it from the other? And should you say, mice do not seize from each other, — what if a mouse enters with a loaf in its mouth and a weasel goes out with a loaf in it mouth? Now the weasel certainly does take from a mouse; or perhaps it is a different one, for had it snatched it from the mouse, the mouse would have [now] been found in its mouth? And should you say, had it snatched it from the mouse, the mouse would have been found in its mouth, what if a mouse enters with a loaf in its mouth, and then a weasel comes out with a loaf and a mouse in the weasel’s mouth? Here it is certainly the same; or perhaps, if it were the same, the loaf should indeed have been found in the mouse's mouth; or perhaps it fell out [of the mouse’s mouth] on account of [its] terror, and it [the weasel] took it? Teiku. Rabbis making puns: BT Pesachim 9bBut do we say, we leave no fear that a weasel may have dragged [leaven], etc.? Surely the second clause states: What he leaves over he must put away in a hidden place, so that it should not require a search after it? Said Abaye: There is no difficulty: the one [refers to a search] on the fourteenth; the other, on the thirteenth. [If one searches] on the thirteenth, when bread is [yet] to be found in all houses, it [a weasel] does not hide [leaven]; on the fourteenth, when bread is not to be found in all houses, it does hide [it]. Said Raba: Is then a weasel a prophet to know that it is the fourteenth now and people will not bake until the evening, so that it should leave [some] over and hide [it]?II Kings 22:14And Hilkiah the priest, and Ahikam, and Achbor, and Shaphan, and Asaiah, went to Huldah the prophetess, the wife of Shallum the son of Tikvah, the son of Harhas, keeper of the wardrobe; she lived in Jerusalem in the second quarter; and they talked with her.Rabbis teaching rabbis... about pretty much everything: BT Berachot 62a It has been taught: R. Akiba said: “Once I went in after R. Joshua to a privy, and I learnt from him three things. I learnt that one does not sit east and west but north and south; I learnt that one evacuates not standing but sitting; and I learnt that it is proper to wipe with the left hand and not with the right.” Said Ben Azzai to him: “Did you dare to take such liberties with our master? He replied: It was a matter of Torah, and I required to learn.” . . . R. Kahana once went in and hid under Rab's bed. He heard him chatting [with his wife] and joking and doing what he required. He said to him: “One would think that Abba's mouth had never sipped the dish before!” He said to him: “Kahana, are you here? Go out, because it is rude.” He replied: “It is a matter of Torah, and I require to learn!” Size matters: BT Bava Metzia 84aR. Johanan said: The waist of R. Ishmael son of R. Jose was as a bottle of nine kabs capacity. R. Papa said: R. Johanan's waist was as a bottle containing five kabs; others say, three kabs. That of R. Papa himself was as the wicker-work baskets of Harpania.Rabbis have always been long-winded: BT Yevamot 64b R. Abba b. Zabda became impotent through the long discourses of R. Huna. R. Giddal became impotent through the discourses of R. Huna; R. Helbo became impotent through the discourses of R. Huna, and R. Shesheth also became impotent through the discourses of R. Huna. R. Aha b. Jacob was once attacked by dysuria, and when he was supported on the college cedar tree a discharge issued like a green palm shoot. R. Aha b. Jacob stated: We were a group of sixty scholars, and all became impotent through the long discourses of R. Huna; with the exception of myself who followed the principle, “Wisdom preserves the life of him who has it” (Eccl. 7:12). ‘Your mom’ jokes: BT Yevamot 63bRab Judah was reading with his son R. Isaac the Scriptural text, “And I find woman more bitter than death” (Eccl. 7:26). The latter asked him, “Who, for instance?” [He replied:] “For instance, your mother.” But, surely, Rab Judah taught his son R. Isaac, “A man finds happiness only with his first wife; for it is said, ‘Let thy fountain be blessed and have joy of the wife of thy youth’”(Prov. 5:18). And when the latter asked him, “Who for instance?” [he answered:] “For instance, your mother!” — She was indeed irascible but could be easily appeased with a kindly word.Jewish Jokes from awordinyoureye.comA Polish town had just one cow to its name and its milk ran dry. The townsfolk did some research and bought a replacement cow from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles. It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it.Then the people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and would never again have to worry about their milk supply. They bought a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. But things were not that easy - when the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left and when the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. In desperation, the people asked their rabbi what to do - he was very wise. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow, but when the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left, and vice versa. What shall we do?" The Rabbi said to them, "Nu, why did you buy a Minsk cow?" "Rabbi," they said, "you are so wise. We never told you that we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know?" The Rabbi said, "My wife is from Minsk." Henry goes to the doctor's surgery to collect his wife Sarah’s test results. The receptionist tells him, "I'm sorry, but there has been a bit of a mix-up. When we sent your wife's samples to the lab, they got mixed up with samples from another Mrs Cohen and we don't know which one is your wife's. The bottom line is that the situation is either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" says Henry. "Well," says the receptionist, "one Mrs Cohen has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is which." "That's terrible," says Henry, "can you do the test again?" "Normally, yes. But your private medical insurance policy won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do?" says Henry. The receptionist replies, "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of Oxford Street. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her." Compiled by Shira Wallach |
